I feel like a book without a title.

For some time now I’ve been feeling lost.

Lost like an asteroid rocketing through space.

Inertia but no direction.

Why do I feel this way? Let me explain…

Through my meditation practice, I have been able to take a step back from thoughts concerning my ego, albeit not all but many thoughts; That is to say thoughts referencing (I, me, my, and my name etc). I have also become exponentially more open to opposing views and information contrary to what I think, and I believe this is a result of identifying less with ideas, and whilst this sounds liberating and relaxing there is another side that I did not anticipate. Sounds confusing? It is a little, let me walk you through it. When a Human identifies with an idea, belief or perspective it becomes apart of their identity (e.g. ego) and this identification becomes a driving force for their actions and perceptions. When someone or something (e.g. contradictory information) challenges this idea, belief or perspective, the person raises their defences and rejects the idea (see: confirmation bias, cognitive dissonance). These negative responses prevent information from being absorbed and as a result, their views or beliefs remain unchanged.

You may be thinking “you’re more open to ideas…so what?” and if you are that’s a valid question. Well, through decreased identification with ideas and beliefs, that is to say, ideas are not becoming a part of my identity, they are orbiting me rather than entering my metaphorical atmosphere. This has resulted in me feeling like I do not hold convictions (apart from being a good person etc), and thus a felt loss of identity. This loss of conviction has made me feel like I do not have anything to strive towards and to dedicate my spare time to. Perhaps this could be called a partial ego death? Who knows.

Surprisingly I have large amounts of energy, motivation, will power and drive but no cause, belief, idea or purpose for which I can wholeheartedly apply these energies.

I am an asteroid rocketing through space…I wonder where I will end up next?

 

Forbidden.

You must not eat from the tree in the centre of the garden, or certainly, you will die. Will the serpent influence you? Will you succumb? You know this is surely wrong, but the urge is too strong.

You succumb to this wrong, the urge, it was too strong, and now you lie naked and exposed; conscious.

Dear Adam,

Some things are forbidden, you know this to be true. Why then must thou eat from the centre of the garden? Surely, you understood this truth. Now you lie covered, awaiting retribution.

You knew this to be wrong, the same as you also know seeking her to be wrong. Her purity, a magnetic pull to drink at the river’s edge.

Contain yourself, for you wish not to live untrue. Do not drink from this river as you will surely live untrue. This ripe fruit is forbidden. They say history repeats itself- do not follow through.

Kind regards,

Adam.