The pain of loss.

The mind has a way of tricking you into believing untruths, like that you’ve properly processed an emotion so strong that is left a mark deep on your soul…and every now and again its head peaks above the surface of your consciousness and it grips you. It holds you and it squeezes, it squeezes with such force that your entire being is stricken with pain. You must learn to sit in this pain for that is the secret to it’s overcoming. To sit, to become familiar with this discomfort is how you become comfortable within discomfort. To run, to avoid, to distract so as to not feel the discomfort is tantamount to cowardice.

neumuse.

Kindling to a spark, spark to an ember. A smouldering ember that I thought was lost, this ember, as ember blaze before, burns with hot fiery curiosity and desire. The ember that ignites my creative flame, I think has returned back once again. How can you miss something for which you’ve never had before? …a paradox.

Twenty four.

I really like being twenty-four.

Eighteen to twenty-two was a roller-coaster, a crazy ride full of ups and downs, and in the background, an uptempo soundtrack did play. A soundtrack which played, spinning on the record player, until finally reaching the end. No more sound played.

Sunshine, dismay, realisation and growth were the hallmark of the year at age twenty-three. Twenty-three taught me how to sort and filter, and this was not achieved without pain; this pain was a gift, albeit a blessing in disguise. This pain taught me value, it taught me strength, and for this pain I am grateful.

Twenty four has only just begun and yet, Graduation, with distinction…this moment, distinct for all other moments in my time. This moment is but a manifestation my belief in something better, discipline and sheer force of will. A self-overcoming in the face of significant odds; I escaped the self-imposed prison.

Twenty-four has me excited for the next 20 more; the start of a tremendous adventure. I’ve undergone my rite-of-passage, and now I am ready for another 365 x 24.

I really like being twenty-four.

The pedestals on which we place.

When we place others on pedestals we simultaneously devalue ourselves. We place them above us, we tell ourselves that they are above us, they are better than, they are the ‘other’, the exception to the rule. This is a devaluation of ourselves because we are asserting that there isn’t an even playing field, they are more accomplished, more attractive, more muscular and therefore their value is higher. What a self-destructive thought pattern, no? Moreover, this notion contradicts the notion that all human’s have equal value, for if they had equal value, why would be place them on such a pedestal? All Humans hold equal value, although, they may be unequal in capability, however, this does not detract from their inherent value.

All Humans struggle, we all feel pain, joy, sorrow and love.

We all the bleed the same. 

On relaxation.

Relaxation is not something that comes naturally to me. I often take things too far, this is an important fact. My self-control is a precarious creature; a turn of the winds increase the volume of liquid to my lips – the cells inside me vibrate joyously. An unnatural hedonism has swept over me, a resting point alongside the beaten and trodden path. A deserved pause in time, akin to a drop of liquid atop parched lips. Relaxation is an art, a learned skill, a skill for which a users manual does not exist…trust me to require such a thing.

I lie back on the floor, drink in hand, music in my ears and presence in my heart.

what a feeling.

Uncanny.

My inside buzz with excitement when you cross my mind, what a strange thing indeed. A shot of adrenaline, is almost what I feel. I didn’t realise until the little green monster came knockin’, an uncomfortable realisation it was; the realisation that I felt for you more than I anticipated to. How naive of me, how could I not? The treasure that you harbour in your mind is something that I want to continue to discover. Your mind is sharper than a blade, and the way in which you wield your weapon etches your name in my thoughts. A deep respect for you is what rests inside; I’m scared to tell you about how I feel…I’m only human. I feel insecure in your presence, a mere man, flawed and imperfect. A random turn of events, a real coincidence, an alignment of something caused us to be face-to-face. I’m a definite skeptic of the mystical, but the way we fit that I cannot believe to exist.

Burn the boats.

Intellectually I understand the philosophy of knowing that things do not have to be as a wish they were, and often I act this out. To hold this belief that my life must be structured in a certain way causes anguish, and to know this and still participate in this mental construction is a kind of metaphysical self-harm. I’ve been known to do this…often,  I guess I’m just an all-or-nothing kind of guy. This all of nothing approach works in many aspects of my life as it eliminates any distractions from side-ventures, options and plans, and allows me to dedicate all of my focus on the main project. Understanding this, hopefully will help you understand why I put all my tofu in one basket, roughly speaking; is this a feature or a bug?

Do you ever see something and just that you must have it? “I want that one, that’s the one that I want” – a common phrase echoed in children stores in the western world. As we get older, this doesn’t particularly fade, the object(s) of desire just change, and often this fixation in the source of much heartache. It produces an uncomfortable feeling in the bottom of your stomach, this feeling is a manifestation of the unknown. This is unmapped territory, your mind doesn’t understand what this terrain is and it knows not what it means; it’s a scary place, that’s for sure.

You will spot the glimmer of gold among the rubble with ease, this is not like finding a needle in a haystack, it’s more akin to finding a haystack in a pile of needles. I spot golden traits as if they were glimmering gold; My eyes locate the gold among the rough, the hope in the darkness and the positive in the negative.

I want that one”, an all-or-nothing attitude with almost guaranteed heartache.