I long to remember what it was like to be filled with a complete sense of self-belief. Every goal, no matter how grandiose, seemed only just out of reach, all I had to do was stretch forward. I miss those days, and I miss believing in myself and I miss my furious drive to do great things.
During my academic ‘glory days’, I studied with relenting persistence to obtain prestigious grades, thinking that this number reflected my self-worth; this was my fatal flaw. When my interest in my area of study wavered, I found that my ability to apply myself and remain disciplined diminished with each coming passing semester and this affected my grades. By basing my self-worth on my grades and how much effort I applied, when my grades and effort decreased so did my self-worth. How can it be that I’ve achieved a great GPA throughout my whole degree and yet I feel like an academic criminal, masquerading as somebody intelligent? This whole time my ego distorted my perception of my own intelligence and now the facade is in decay. It’s hard to believe in yourself when you believe you’re exceptionally unintelligent.
What do I base my self-worth on if not my grades? Can it ever be based on something external, being that externalities can be perturbed?