For some time now I’ve been feeling lost.
Lost like an asteroid rocketing through space.
Inertia but no direction.
Why do I feel this way? Let me explain…
Through my meditation practice, I have been able to take a step back from thoughts concerning my ego, albeit not all but many thoughts; That is to say thoughts referencing (I, me, my, and my name etc). I have also become exponentially more open to opposing views and information contrary to what I think, and I believe this is a result of identifying less with ideas, and whilst this sounds liberating and relaxing there is another side that I did not anticipate. Sounds confusing? It is a little, let me walk you through it. When a Human identifies with an idea, belief or perspective it becomes apart of their identity (e.g. ego) and this identification becomes a driving force for their actions and perceptions. When someone or something (e.g. contradictory information) challenges this idea, belief or perspective, the person raises their defences and rejects the idea (see: confirmation bias, cognitive dissonance). These negative responses prevent information from being absorbed and as a result, their views or beliefs remain unchanged.
You may be thinking “you’re more open to ideas…so what?” and if you are that’s a valid question. Well, through decreased identification with ideas and beliefs, that is to say, ideas are not becoming a part of my identity, they are orbiting me rather than entering my metaphorical atmosphere. This has resulted in me feeling like I do not hold convictions (apart from being a good person etc), and thus a felt loss of identity. This loss of conviction has made me feel like I do not have anything to strive towards and to dedicate my spare time to. Perhaps this could be called a partial ego death? Who knows.
Surprisingly I have large amounts of energy, motivation, will power and drive but no cause, belief, idea or purpose for which I can wholeheartedly apply these energies.
I am an asteroid rocketing through space…I wonder where I will end up next?