Ghost.

I’m a dreamer, just of nothing in particular,

I dreamt of backing the home team, your number one fan,

I’ve felt the width of the English channel, a cold embrace,

Hollow words spoken softly, I grew deaf to those,

A frequency never forgotten, a warning sign,

A conditioned response paints a pretty canvas,

Each day holds me like you never used to,

I’m over you.

Ocean blue.

My mental health is a precarious creature, retreating to the shadows as the shadow of stress peers over the horizon, staining the sunset a deep dark blue. They say your mind is like a blue sky, a sky that always exists irrespective of the storm clouds in the sky; travel upward and the blue sky will appear once again. Today my sky is stained a deep dark blue, a colour only fathomable if you were to experience such fathoms down below the ocean view. I look out at my view and all I see is a sky stained a deep dark blue.

What does stress do to you?

It’s alright, I understand.

We live in a world of schedules and deadlines, a fictitious creation of humankind. Each day neatly segmented into minutes and hours, each commitment demanding our attention. Rushing all about do all of us go, throughout the day rushing about here and all over is all that we know. Such an uncommon thing is it to stop and breathe, breathe in the fresh air and feel it brush over your skin. What a rarity awareness has become, replaced with destinations and plans, with each passing day the space for flexibility decreases. Anticipation, impatience and future projection consume our every thought, consuming the entirety of our awareness. Quickly do our weeks begin to fill, filling until they begin to spill up and over the brim! What an interesting thing, to be running out of a fictitious thing, what a time to be alive, what a time to live each passing moment in anticipation for the next; seldom do we feel the present before it quickly metamorphoses into the past, a soon distant memory. Work and health consume much our our time, little space left do we have left for someone from the outside. But I guess that’s where priorities lie and right now I lie on the outside.

WHEN, NOT IF.

Settle noun

Settling for second best.

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In life, too many of us settle. We may believe that we aren’t worthy of somebody who is truly is right for us, physically, emotionally and intellectually. We may believe that the ‘right person’ doesn’t exist, or we may believe that it’s too hard. We may believe that we aren’t worthy of love and then desperately clasp at any opportunity. Maybe we weren’t shown love early in our lives, or maybe we were hurt by somebody, or maybe our arduous life has beaten us down at every turn. I’m here to tell you why you are worthy, why you should value yourself and why, if you don’t settle you will find your match.

For so long I didn’t feel like I had value, and I’d grasp at any opportunity of love, attention and praise; I was hooked on it. During my teenage years, I engaged in irresponsible promiscuity in an attempt to validate myself and my worth. This is a common mistake; to base your self-worth on someone else’s opinion is to have self-worth built on unstable foundations. You may feel really good when somebody that you fictiously value as ‘better’ than you takes a liking to you, however, when you are rejected you may feel unlovable and worthless. You don’t have to be Donald Trump to realise that this is a pretty bad deal that you’ve made with yourself. What if you could base your self-worth on something a little more stable, a bit more imperturbable, and you could ride the waves of acceptance and rejection unscathed…wouldn’t that be swell?

If not others views, what?

Your life has value because you are alive. I’ll say that again…your life has value for the pure and simple fact that you are alive. It is for this reason that we find ourselves feeling such sorrow for those who choose to take their own lives…if only someone could have helped them sooner; they suffered but their lives mattered, they had value. Your value is not based on whether you have a job, whether you look a certain way, where you live, how much money you have or what you can or can’t do. Not convinced? Let me ask you this. Do you value the life of a baby? How about a toddler? What about a pre-schooler? How about a primary aged child? Did you say yes to all of these? What about the life of a teenager? What about a skinny teenager? How about a pimply faced teenager? What about an obese teenager? What about a star pupil? Now, what about an adult? What about your mother? What about you? At what point does a life lose value between infancy to maturity? We value the lives of our the young simply because they are alive. To base your self-worth on external things is fleeting, ever-changing and illogical. Why base your self-worth on something that you can’t control? Base your self-worth on the fact that you are alive.

Moving forward

To settle is to sell yourself short, to deny yourself true happiness. One day someone will appreciate every ounce of you for how it is and not how they want you to be or what you could be, however, this is not to say they shouldn’t encourage you to be the best version of yourself. If you choose to settle, to select a partner that you know to not be a perfect fit, ignoring red-flag after red-flag, you are telling yourself that you are not worthy of a partner that is right for you. To accept the second, third, or fourth best is to devalue yourself in the eyes of yourself. We don’t just settle in relationships, we settle in all aspects of our lives. We don’t push ourselves as hard as we could at the gym for the fear of failure, an omnipresent energy living in your mind, of which you believe will strike you down if you don’t succeed when you try. We don’t push for the top position in our line of work because we don’t think it’s possible, we don’t think we’re good enough. You are good enough, you are worthy of love, and you have value because you are alive.

Don’t settle because one day during this up-hill hike to self-actualisation, you will encounter another travelling soul who resonates deep into every ounce of your being and the two of you will be drawn to eachother with such magnetism, and what an incredible feeling that will be.

It’s when, not if.

Am I worth it?

I long to remember what it was like to be filled with a complete sense of self-belief. Every goal, no matter how grandiose, seemed only just out of reach, all I had to do was stretch forward. I miss those days, and I miss believing in myself and I miss my furious drive to do great things.

During my academic ‘glory days’, I studied with relenting persistence to obtain prestigious grades, thinking that this number reflected my self-worth; this was my fatal flaw. When my interest in my area of study wavered, I found that my ability to apply myself and remain disciplined diminished with each coming passing semester and this affected my grades. By basing my self-worth on my grades and how much effort I applied, when my grades and effort decreased so did my self-worth. How can it be that I’ve achieved a great GPA throughout my whole degree and yet I feel like an academic criminal, masquerading as somebody intelligent? This whole time my ego distorted my perception of my own intelligence and now the facade is in decay. It’s hard to believe in yourself when you believe you’re exceptionally unintelligent.

What do I base my self-worth on if not my grades? Can it ever be based on something external, being that externalities can be perturbed?

 

Life is a tightrope.

Everyday I walk a balancing act atop a taught rope suspended between the two chasms of hedonism and self-tyranny. To hold myself to such high standards that eventually I will fail to reach throws me off balance, and I struggle to maintain composure.

It’s hard to stumble and not fall when you walk over a fine line between two destructive beasts, awaiting the chance to envelop you.